Seaside, Nov. 14

Friday, December 12, 2008


Hapiness is an interesting thing. It can make us joyful, nervous, or even sick to our stomach! We can look forward to things to come in a patient way, or be so excited our tummies turn to jumping jello--something Mr. Pepto couldn't even calm.

Right now, I'm balancing the teeter totter between the two. My life is really a jumbled mess of emotions. We just had the most incredible loss, arguably, that anyone can have and are completely empty. There is nothing to replace losing a child before you die, and although I've heard that before and nodded, it hits such a deeper level now. Nothing can replace her or bring her back. And on the other hand, we still have to live our lives . . . which is why I'm in a confusing happy place.

I'm excited at the prospect of trying again. Although I haven't lost the weight, my emotional programming still wants to be a mommy. We've lost part of our family for now, but we are able to look to God for knowing her later. I'm excited about the possibility of a house. SOOO many things must click in order for this to happen, but it's a possibility. I look around and think about what I'd need to pack ASAP, how we'd get moved in, and how I'd set up everything. This is the part that is making me happy sick. I'm also thrilled about our growth. Being in a place of complete emptiness allows the Lover of our souls to drench us with love and comfort. Mike and I have been through, well, too much in the last 3 years. God has been weaving in new thoughts, habits, and friends. For the most part, Mike and I are becoming more concrete and are enjoying what God has been teaching us.

So, ya see, there are quite heavy weights on both sides of the fence putting us in a place of confusion. The pull between gut-wrenching pain and gleeful excitement is an odd place to be, but soon, things will calm down. I'm looking forward to that day :)

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