I sit here, thinking about what to write. I haven't written for so long and right now, crazy enough, its 2:20 a.m. As my eyes wouldn't fall asleep, of course my girly brain wandered and tripped on thoughts of Arie. It's amazing how ginormous thoughts get when we're tired! I've just cried for a while, then tried to go to sleep, then tried to distract myself by doing things on the computer. For some reason, I just can't sleep.
My thoughts have recently wandered to what might it be like now for us if Arie was here. She'd be sitting up stronger now and able to look at us with acknowledgement. She'd be able to smile at us with her cute little lips and snuggle in for sleep time. The crib would have had to be lowered because she could probably roll herself out of it at the height we currently have it. I would be hoping to share her with all the mommies in playgroup and all my friends. Her little cry would most likely become somewhat tiresome or annoying by now and Mike and I would be playing "it's your turn" at all times. She would have had a few check ups that said she was crazy tall for her age--no wonder, she's got a few tall genes in her swimming pool.
Grandma and Grandpa would be dying each week to know how she was and what she was up to. Her name would be cherished and pronounced right by now, cause it's a bit of a hard one until you get it down. I'm sure they would call to coax us over so they could play with the little tyke and give mommy and daddy a break to actually sleep.
She'd be really loved.
Well, she is really loved. It's just not the way it should be. And although our faith has gotten stronger through this mayhem, I still struggle with so many questions . . . how come God took her? Was it my fault (less on the nutritional/did I miss something side, and more on the life/personal sin side)? I hope she didn't hurt. Is she with my Grandparents?
It's really hard to believe that God loves me as much as He says He does, but I have to keep my mind strong and choose to believe His word and truth, rather than my thoughts. That's quite a battlefield sometimes. And battlefields at 2:30 in the morning become more like wars because of the exhaustion!
. . . On the other hand, being up this late has its advantages. We're pretty assured that we won't get interrupted, no one will be calling, or emailing (well maybe those night owls), and so we can focus! Right now, I've pretty much caught up on checking out a new financial program using Mr. Dave Ramsey's grandma principles called Mvelopes (kinda cool for the techi in you) and done some other work that needed to be done. All in all, I'm hoping that writing accomplishes two things right now. The ability to update my post, and the necessity of droning off to sleep (which is apparently a very bad idea in front of bright screens!).
Hi-ho,Hi-ho, it's off to sleep I go. I'll lay in bed, and wake at dawn, Hi-ho, Hi-ho, Hi-ho, Hi-ho.