Awake?

Wow, almost 4 and feels like midnight. The last weeks have been spiraling so fast. While our schedule has hit sonic speeds, there are some consistencies that I appreciate!

For the last week, as of today, Mike and I have been KILLING our muscles at insane hours. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, we wake up before God pulls up the sun, and sleepily put on our clothes hoping to remember everything we need. At a bright 5:45 we are geared to start sweating.

This is a HUGE change for both of us. The typical morning consists of the alarm going off, one, two, or MANY MORE times screaming at Mike to get up. Of course, we all know that the consistency of the alarm breaks our desire to snooze. So whether or not we want to, getting up is the only choice. Then, we rush to get everything together to get Mike out the door -which sometimes is quite a feat. After the mass exodus - of one person :)-the whirlwind of adrenaline has peaked and is now plummeting towards the center of the earth at cheetah speeds. My brain is hoping to connect and keep a thought process, but ends up crashing in brilliant colors.

Now, instead of being alarmed (double meaning meant, and enjoyed by me as I like plays on words!), we "wake up" once and get ready to meet the chilly morning. By the time we get there, we are "ready" to go and begin with lunges and other warm-up exercises. We are sweating in no time at all. And man can I tell you that this routine is so good. Of course in the process, my exhaustion is telling me QUIT! Oooooo, the burning of muscles, paired with non-endurance and stench . . . gotta love it :)

I love the residual effects. Just as we thought, our muscles are feeling a bit used, and Mike and I are beginning to laugh at ourselves. Things like his feet don't fit in the TRX handles because he's huge! TRX straps hang from the built-in "Monkey Bars" (just like when we were kids) and basically suspend either your feet or hands above you to add a crazy hard, core strengthening to any exercise. Figure this, push ups with your feet swinging left to right because they're not on solid ground, or reverse abs in the push up position with the same swinging. Hard, but afterward, Mike and I are happy with the lingering burn and tightening of abs. You see, I have a six pack, it's just hidden by insulation.

The hardest part I feel is not the effect of exercising, its the sleep! Yo-yoing between 5:00 mornings and recouping the other days isn't good. I haven't yet been able to wake up on Tuesday or Thursday feeling rested. Maybe one day soon, I'll just go to sleep, and then wake up. Sounds so simple doesn't it . . . but I'm guessing that most of us can relate. There are a few more go-to-sleep, wake-up patterns before the sun rises and I'm actually supposed to get up!

Well, gotta run because I'm off to another session. Soon, I'll be less of me and I can't wait!

Super Sunday Night and Beyond

Wow have I been learning a lot about life!  With everything in my "to keep doing" pile I am becoming overwhelmed, yet confident that somewhere in the future the sun will shine on Mike and I.

These past three days, Mike has been in Las Vegas attending an EIFS class to get certified.  Just hearing what the city is and has become is quite saddening.  He had to deal with quite a bit, but is now home and happy :)  While he was there he expressed how much I mean to him which subsequently melted my heart.  

After dropping him off at the airport on Sunday, I was able to make it to a Sunday night service our church calls "Super Sunday Night".  Lots of things happen at the service, but this Sunday, I think that God had a divine intervention planned for me.  Part way through the night, I just got completely overwhelmed.  Everywhere I looked there were children.  As much as I tried to "be happy" and convince myself that it didn't matter, it did.  I excused myself to fill up my water bottle, and began wading through the aisle amidst the 3,000 people or so situated worshipping in the pews.  As soon as I hit the back of the sanctuary I could feel the burn in my eyes - a familiar sting.  I filled up my Nalgene and tried to gather myself to go back in to sit down.  I got about half way and my emotions took over.  With tears streaming down my face I took a place in a back "corner" (the building looks like half a sphere and only has a type of supporting post in the back).  I tried so many times to be okay, but my heart wasn't allowing my tears to dry and go back.  While in the corner, I had a friend console me and ask if someone could come pray with me.

(Sorry if this is long.  I like writing too . . . just the story of my life!)

A woman, who I didn't know, came beside me and looked me straight in the eye with conviction and deep love.  She and a group of others had been praying for me ever since Arie died.  Her words flew and yet she didn't miss a beat.  So many things she said to me that night still bounce around in my head.  She said that Arie had a purpose and that she lives out that purpose in me.  Arie will never be forgotten and although I have been in a winter season, I will soon be recognizing the blossoms of spring in my life.  

I am beginning to come out of my winter!  Even though the loss of my precious baby girl still brings tears to my eyes and tugs on my heart, she also brings me smiles at times.  She is right now the most influential person in my life.  And if all of this just means all of that, it's enough for me.

Since Sunday night, I have had the opportunity to chat with some friends, talk with Mike and read away.  All of this seems to be making me think all that much more.  Fortunately, God likes thinking people and I have taken the plunge in to that pool right now.  

. . . . . . . . . . 

On a different note, it's weird to be home alone after I've been together with Mike for so long.  It's nice to have the bed all to myself, and at the same time, I'm craving his warmth.  All the chores still beckoned, life still moved on, but in a different pace, with different meaning.  Quite odd.

Mike is now back home and we are going to be starting a new adventure!  We have weighed the cost and measured the benefits.  We have decided to participate in athletic classes.  At first it really will be like personal training because the company we are going through is trying to get bigger and are just starting the classes.  But it he future, it will probably end up a little more populated.  Right now, we will have the opportunity to work out almost one-on-one and reap the benefits of doing it together.  We are both hoping this will help us get healthier, sleep better, cause us to appreciate common ground, and the benefits just don't end!  

Onward ho, to the next adventure we go!

Moving Day

Well, I wish that this was actually the topic for us, and although it's not, it is still exciting! Today we were able to move my parents . . . which means that they have actually sold their house and are making the transition from the house they've lived in for years to another transition home.

This cottage that they are renting for the time being is super cute. As you walk in there is a cozy front room in which you can see the dining room and kitchen as well. The floors are hardwood . . . and I think that they're actually real wood. It's got two bedrooms and one dainty bathroom. When you walk in you get a warmth that is indicative of previous owners who loved the house. My mom is able to look out the kitchen window and gaze on birds and trees instead of the back door of a neighbor's house. She will absolutely love it. My dad doesn't yet have his Man Cave--I'm referring to either his super testoerone-filled mechanic's room, or his den where only men with the secret password can enter so as not to taint the essence of the room. I do, however, think that he will find things to do to keep himself busy.

I was able to hang with my sister for a bit and enjoyed unpacking the kitchen with her. While all the men were grunting and creating the foul aroma we like to call sweat, Melissa and I conversed about where the salt should go. We left all the insane lifting (like my mom's upright piano) to the men who like to use their bicep guns to get-r-done. Melissa and I haven't had the opportunity of speaking in quite a while, but even being around her for a while was a sweet reminder of what an amazing woman she is. I have appreciated her in my life and am looking forward to her maybe moving nearer sometime in the future (okay, if I'm speaking realistically, the WAY FAR OUT THERE future).

We were all fitting in to what seems like the new groove for my parents. After clearing out the trailer, my dad treated us to dinner where Norma and Paul (long-time family friends), Aunt Diane and Uncle John (Mom's sister and husband), Uncle Don, Aunt Patti, and Carrie (Mom's brother,wife, and daughter), and Mike and I chatted for quite a while. The room sparkled with smiles, fun stories, catching up with each other, and the unspoken excitement my mom felt to be within ten minutes of people she cares about. When she wanted to go home, she realized that it was just down the road, instead of hours away. Through the tiredness of moving, I could sense her anticipation. Ooooh, all the fun she is going to have being near family again.


On a different note, Mike and I have been crazy!!! Recently we were looking in to what it might cost to work with a personal trainer (whewie!). Albeit expensive, we were able to attend a "class" and see what they were capable of doing, and wow was it super cool and fun. Because of where the business is, we were the only two there. Meaning, the trainer could really whop us! Mike seemed to outdo me, which was sad because I have been working out forever with a friend, and he hasn't. Mr. Man was able to get his workout in and so was I. We basically cross-trained with a focus on suspension bands . . . These things are awesome (and CRAZY hard might I add). Hanging from a metal loop on a brace drops a flat nylon cord with two handles attached. From this, you can do just about anything--suspended of course. So we proceeded to do bicep curls, push ups, abs, triceps, forearms, and on and on and on! Needless to say, this was on Thursday which means that super soreness re-enters our life on our parent's moving day (Wahoo! . . . ouch)

Lots of things have been happening for us. To name a few, we've been doing all the normal keep up our life things like grocery shopping, and added small group, Mike's Photo classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, I go running with a friend every night of the week we can, meeting with two different sets of couples, moving our parents, looking at starting a Photography business (link to come soon hopefully--we've got the logo and everything . . . I'm anticipating what this might mean for us), trying to find a home, wait, nope, wait, yup, wait nope, wait, what was happening, and of course, the still fresh dealing with Arie emotions.

We'd love to get a house, settle down, and just be downright boring for a while. Anybody hear me? Boring sounds a bit nice right now :)

Hopefully, I'll update this more than once a month! So much happens. I just have to realize and be comfortable with writing a paragraph (I just get too in to writing!)

I sit here, thinking about what to write. I haven't written for so long and right now, crazy enough, its 2:20 a.m. As my eyes wouldn't fall asleep, of course my girly brain wandered and tripped on thoughts of Arie. It's amazing how ginormous thoughts get when we're tired! I've just cried for a while, then tried to go to sleep, then tried to distract myself by doing things on the computer. For some reason, I just can't sleep.

My thoughts have recently wandered to what might it be like now for us if Arie was here. She'd be sitting up stronger now and able to look at us with acknowledgement. She'd be able to smile at us with her cute little lips and snuggle in for sleep time. The crib would have had to be lowered because she could probably roll herself out of it at the height we currently have it. I would be hoping to share her with all the mommies in playgroup and all my friends. Her little cry would most likely become somewhat tiresome or annoying by now and Mike and I would be playing "it's your turn" at all times. She would have had a few check ups that said she was crazy tall for her age--no wonder, she's got a few tall genes in her swimming pool.

Grandma and Grandpa would be dying each week to know how she was and what she was up to. Her name would be cherished and pronounced right by now, cause it's a bit of a hard one until you get it down. I'm sure they would call to coax us over so they could play with the little tyke and give mommy and daddy a break to actually sleep.

She'd be really loved.

Well, she is really loved. It's just not the way it should be. And although our faith has gotten stronger through this mayhem, I still struggle with so many questions . . . how come God took her? Was it my fault (less on the nutritional/did I miss something side, and more on the life/personal sin side)? I hope she didn't hurt. Is she with my Grandparents?

It's really hard to believe that God loves me as much as He says He does, but I have to keep my mind strong and choose to believe His word and truth, rather than my thoughts. That's quite a battlefield sometimes. And battlefields at 2:30 in the morning become more like wars because of the exhaustion!

. . . On the other hand, being up this late has its advantages. We're pretty assured that we won't get interrupted, no one will be calling, or emailing (well maybe those night owls), and so we can focus! Right now, I've pretty much caught up on checking out a new financial program using Mr. Dave Ramsey's grandma principles called Mvelopes (kinda cool for the techi in you) and done some other work that needed to be done. All in all, I'm hoping that writing accomplishes two things right now. The ability to update my post, and the necessity of droning off to sleep (which is apparently a very bad idea in front of bright screens!).

Hi-ho,Hi-ho, it's off to sleep I go. I'll lay in bed, and wake at dawn, Hi-ho, Hi-ho, Hi-ho, Hi-ho.

Christmas

Wow what a week!  We somewhat matched the circumstances of this winter - watching the cold front come in, excited for the snow, yet worried about the roads.  Our week started off with Mike coming home early from work becuase he didn't have anything to do . . . literally.  As we drove to go get a picture of a tree for a friend, we discussed our options.  We were intermittently interrupted by gusts of wind and the slipping of our tires.  

Then, everything turned in to hyper speed.  Mike called work and found that he could work from "home" and we decided to face the storm (we didn't know how big it would actually be!).  We frantically went home, packed, and left for Kent.  Thankfully we got out quickly enough that the Portland area was not requiring chains!  That didn't match the drive.  It took us quite a while to get to Kent . . . mostly because of chow people were driving related to the conditions.  

Our days were all screwed up because we had figured on being there Thursday, not Wednesday, so our entire week was confusing!  J's bachelor party was Friday, squeezed between waking up, and picking up B, and B the groomsmen.  Saturday came and went in a fury!  We all woke up, and then WHAM - not only did we have to get there an hour earlier than expected, but also we ended up being a bit late for pictures - hooray for the snow!  Poor J & J2 had very few people there because of snow cancellations.  J2 looked beautiful in her dress and the wedding was enchanting in the snow.  When we left, it was pitch white!  

And then, Mike and I did it all again!  We woke up on Saturday to go to a friend's wedding.  Hers was also a bit crazy cause of weather.  Unfortunately for pretty much everyone involved, a pipe broke in the room we were to eat dinner in, so the staff had to move all the tables to a different portion of the restaraunt!  In the end, she too looked wonderful and I'm sure the prince swept her off her feet! 

And then, Christmas came.  The days between wedding and X-mas were nice, but long too.  We actually had X-mas on the Eve because of flights out, J & J being able to be there, and other important facts.  Christmas Eve was anti-climactic this year.  It seems that all of us were a bit penny-pinched.  Although money isn't really the heart of Christmas, it does affect other things.  Presents were disbursed by funny B who acted like Vanna in presentation.  Some of us were smiling, others were not.  

When all was said and done, as much as I try to convince myself that Christmas is fun and I love it, this year didn't strike the chord.  It didn't ring true in my heart as much.  

It's really hard to be anywhere and realize, I should be nursing my baby girl while I'm talking right now.   I should have to go because it's nap time for my sweetheart.   I should have to walk out of the room because she's crying.  But in reality . . . I'm not.  Yes, I will someday if God decides to bless me with a child, but not now.  Christmas this year was not fun.  It had its moments - specially with the snow, but the whole picture wasn't what it should have been.

It wasn't special.

Priorities

Priorities are interesting. There are those we are aware of, and those we don't even know we have; those we act out as habit, and those we must put our minds to.

For the most part, our days are built out of habit. Waking up, doing the dishes, going to work, cleaning the house, and the like. For me, this list is quite short. Brushing my teeth, making the bed, and, right now, looking for jobs. Sometimes, we are engrossed in our habits so much that they harm us without even knowing it. These tiny habits eventually turn in to a lifestyle.

Then, there are the priorities that we conciously want. For most of us - specially with the New Year approaching - these look more like losing the weight, making more money, and generally, achieving something. I definitely fall in to the category of "lose the weight". However, these consious priorities all dwindle down to motivation, whereas habitual priorities don't.

Motivation in so important in that one magical, or daunting moment when we know that we have to make a choice. Will we choose to motivate ourselves to stick to our priority, or not? Will we follow what we know is good for us, or ditch it for some other source of fleeting pleasure? When what we've set our sites on is either easy, or exciting, motivation is easy to come by. But what happens to us when our sites are set on something that takes work to accomplish? What happens when there is a deep heart pang that urgently resists what we know is good? Although we know that we can do anything we want, and we know that all of it isn't that beneficial (I Cor. 6:12 and 10:23), what do our actions suggest? Are we true to "not being mastered" as Paul suggests, or do we faulter?

My generation is so entitled that most of us just give up (if we even tried), and give in to the now (a conversation I had with my friend about finances and saving for things is a good example). Quite frankly, I find it to be quite a battle to resist the "now" and go for the "later". Somewhere in our "growing up DNA", we have been programmed to ditch priorities and just have . . . Have the big toys, go for the exciting trip, ditch the values becuase what's in front of me is just "better".

But see, for me, this entire entry seems messed up! It's hard for me. I have a daughter . . . I have a daughter. A daughter that didn't live very long, but was still and will remain, part of our family. As a mother, how do I make her a priority? Children are always priorities! All of the "other mothers" have it easy. They become accustomed to habitual priorities becuase they have to go shopping with their kids, make the meals, clean up after them . . . just be a mom. But for me, Arie can't be part of my habitual priorities because I can't take care of her. (But can I care for her?) I will never have the blessing of teaching her truths about our world.

So that only leaves concious priorities. But then again, how is she a concious priority? I'm living my life, but she's not here. Yes, we strive for things that "aren't here", like falling in love again, but how do you pursue a lost child? It's really a contained incident that only has emotional ramifications. My tears are real, but she's not here. The weight I have to lose is real, but she almost isn't. I keep convincing myself that I actually do have a daughter and that I was actually pregnant. This is so hard. My heart wants Arie to be a priority, and so does my body . . . still. But she's just not here!

I guess I just live my life, adjusting to my new "normal" without her. How can she be a priority? I don't know . . . I just don't know.

With all of this silent turmoil, I must strive to continue making my husband a priority. He still works, bikes, needs food, and love. He still encounters "those days" at work and has a heartbeat. To make him a priority is of utmost importance to my heart. He means so much to me and if I choose, my actions could be "mastered" by what is easier instead of what is "beneficial".

Everything comes down to choice. Eve ate the apple and that was her choice. Every morning we wake up and have . . . choice. What will you do with yours? Hold it close and don't take it for granted for it quite literally could make the difference between life and death.

'Tis the Season

Christmas has alwasy been my favorite time of year. Joy fills the air and anticipation runs wild. The tree is always the best part! For as long as I can remember, I've gone out into a tree lot, hunted for the perfect green bush, crookedly sawed it down, and gotten all sappy hauling it back to the car. We've pulled out the string and roped the sucker down so it'd survive the ride home and endured the wind along the way. When arriving home, my excitement built as we cut the ropes, rolled it off the top of the car, and drug it into the house. Of course, there has always been quite a needled trail that needs to be vacuumed.

Once inside, the propping and straightening provoked tilt wars and blind adjustments. Who's going to hold the tree, who will adjust it, who's going to get all painted with tree sugar holding the base? It's quite entertaining really. And then, everyone gets to dig in to the decorations box as the lights go up to design this year's tree.

But this year, everything is different. I find myself swallowing hard and sucking in tears. The snow has finally come, something we wait for every year, but instead of sharing it with our whole family, we get to gaze into the whiteness and know that this would have been her first snow.

What would she have loved? How would I have bundled her up? How fun it would have been to see her as a "Christmas Story" puffball unable to even wiggle. Her nose would have been cutely red, and we could have dressed her up all fancy for Christmas Eve service. We would have gotten comments like "Isn't she just so cute?" and "How old is she now?"

Instead, I gaze at our treeless living room, vacant of decor. The bills from labor are just catching us and the joy of the season has quite a different feel. I still love Christmas and the time of year, but life is just . . . different.

Being in this position is very unique. Watching pregnant women walk around and wondering what normal should be like right now is quite soul-squeezing. Everyone else can live in happy, normal land, and we get to push through trusting in God's timing and childlessness. Christmas would have been so different and fun this year! Arie would have grown to love our traditions and eventually busted out of the puff-ball jumper in to, most likely, sledding, snowboarding, and fox-and-hound hunts through the snow.

Instead, we have so much going on, including two weddings--Mike's brother's, and a very good friend's, the mass chaos of a whole family Christmas, and two separate drives up to home and back. It's going to be crazy. Our pain and loss all must be put aside for the joy of our family and friends. We are so excited for both of them and seeing family.

It's so foreign to live in two different worlds. The depth of painful loss versus the excitement of new life. Wow what an oxymoron!

So 'tis the season for hectiness and joy. Someday soon, I'll be able to approach holidays with many less tears, and much more hope.

Thank goodness we have a God who has the volume to hold the beaches in his hand, and the tenderness to hold our tears.