How Time Flies

As we bust through winter with sloth-like speed, we are encountering a new family season.  Zeke is now 6 months old.  I cannot believe that it has been so long, but feels so short.  In the last months Zeke has learned to roll over -- from front to back and back to front.  He makes us laugh with his preference of choosing the harder skills, like rolling from back to front, and deciding that there is only one correct way to roll . . . and that is right :)  His personality is blooming daily while we cannot seem to find enough bibs to entirely soak up his drool.  Recently, as began fussing on his tummy (because he has refused to roll from back to front) I decidedly helped him roll over and found that my hand and arm were covered in drool.  That day I found out that he enjoys consuming his hand and arm :)

He's also growing like a weed.  I've had to put away all his 0-3 month clothing, some of his 3-6 depending on size, and breaking into the 6-9.  He's not up to speed with his same age  counterparts in height, but I'm not too concerned about that :)  At the doctors he weighed in at 14 pounds but his height and head measurements weren't taken . . . 6 month checkup to come soon.

Solids seems to beckon his attention.  Frequently when Mike and I are eating, we sense that "someone's looking at me" feeling only to look over and see Zeke staring with intense desire.  He watches the spoon carefully and seems to be downloading the mechanics of eating.  Unfortunately, he still has his extrusion reflex -- sticking out his tongue to eat -- and can't quite get the hang of swallowing just yet.  I can only imagine that that boy will be eating us out of house and home too soon!

Work seems to be going quite well for Mike.  He is always busy and frequently seems to have extra.  We are so blessed to feel secure in such rocky economic times.  Just today, he is headed to the coast to check out a job in Newport and texted me a picture during his lunch break.  It was so beautiful I was a bit jealous :(

"Work" is going well for me as well.  Three days a week I watch Abbi.  Before I go any further, we've got SUPER news!

WE MOVED!!!

The last couple weeks have been filled with box packing whenever we have a spare moment.  And although we felt somewhat good to move, there are always so many extras.  We planned our move well and this week has been dedicated to moving the small things.  Hopefully we will be done very soon.  I don't much care for the preparation of moving, but I die for the ability to put away our stuff into all the new places.  It does seem to be box after box (which means we really should donate much of our . . . junk . . . to Goodwill), but soon enough our new place will feel more like home.  It already does.

The neat part?  We are living with some good friends of ours . . . Abbi's parents!  So their commute, and my preparation time are slim to none :)  There will definitely be some roommate issues, but we've already got a plan to deal with them!  I'm just so excited because of the place.  Check out this link to view our home -- without all our stuff in it.  I'll try to post more pictures once it's not ruled by boxes and junk.

So back to Abbi . . . she is quite a cutie-pie and Zeke is starting to notice too.  She is in the stage where she only wants what others have, so there might be a floor full of toys, but she wants the one Zeke is playing with.  He still has reflux, although not quite as bad, but when he's in the bouncy seat (which used to be Abbi's), she'll walk over and want to "bounce" him and "gently" touch him.  Eventually, this leads to her trying to whop him on the head and redirection is only so good :)

I am doing well considering.  Days seem to fly by during my exhaustion while I try so hard to have enough energy to keep both kids challenged and occupied.  During nap times, if they are asleep at the same time, I try to put away boxes.  I'm quickly noticing that the kitchen seems like the most fun.  Because of our move, we've eaten out so much I'm sick of it.  Hopefully soon, I'll be cooking away.  The new house also has a backyard that my friend and new roommate Tonya are drooling over.  There is enough space to put in a garden and we're already planning on putting in a backyard.  It'll take some elbow grease, but we've got gloves ready :)

No pictures this time, but hopefully more soon.  We need to be better at documenting our little one's life :)
  

This week marked a new start for me.  I have always wanted to stay at home with my children and become a talented housewife.  These are the core years to teach my children about God, life, and education in the world’s terms.  Although Mike and I have paved a fairly good road until this point for me to do this, we are still slightly short and need to make some extra money. 

God had a perfect idea for us.  One of my friends recently had a baby girl (7 mos) and she wanted to know that her little one was being cared for.  In our area, finding reasonable childcare is quite difficult.  And when you can find a reasonable price, there is typically something a bit off about the provider.  She conveyed to me how one provider informed them that the television was left on all day--without skipping a beat, like it was normal, one had dicey moral artwork on the wall, and one let her young daughter watch the children at times.  Hmm, not the information a mother wants to hear.  So our two families created a plan for me to watch her.  

During the days that she is here, she and Zeke have wonderful and detailed staring contests with each other.  I can just see the thoughts flying through their heads.  Plus, I am able to stay with my son and teach him.  Too cool.

Mike also had a fairly good week.  One day he came home so excited . . . Maybe even a bit more than Christmas.  Upon walking through the door he exclaimed, “I got to see a waterbed roof today!”  I was quite perplexed by what he meant.  He then explained how a client called him up in a panic asking for him to come out immediately.  Mike is quite flexible and although most issues aren’t immediate, he adjusted his schedule to go.

Upon reaching the client’s roof, he began walking around to find the difficulty.  Fairly soon he stepped on the roof and felt like he was going to fall through because the roof was so soft.  He subsequently figured out that there was a 4’ x 4’ section of roof filled with 4 ins of water beneath the roof!  When he stepped on the surface, the supposed-to-be-solid roof rose and fell like water at sea. Needless to say, Mike needed to make some phone calls to make sure this man still had a place to live.

Mike was also able to head out to the mountain (Mt. Hood), White River Snow Park to be exact, for Search and Rescue.  We call it SAR for short.  This week’s mission was for the trainers to hike back into the woods and find a place to “get lost”.  Next week they are staging a mock rescue and Mike “gets to” get cold and act drunk for the other SAR volunteers.  He is very excited that he can use his skills for some good.  

The story of the day there was how one of his volunteer trainers thought it might be a good and funny idea to drink a swoosh of alcohol and then spray some on himself to make the situation realistic.  Mike was thinking a bit more globally and responded, “Yeah.  And when the cop pulls me over on the way home . . .”  He didn’t even have to finish before his team members had a good chuckle.

On the home front, Zeke is growing well.  Friday we were able to see the doctor who gave us quite a bit of information.  Typically when an infant is born early, doctors adjust the percentage charts back to their due date.  For example, because Zeke was 5 weeks early, we wouldn’t consider him to be 3 months (which he actually is), we would consider him to be 2 months (adjusted for the “gestational age”).  When he showed us the charts and how Zeke measured up, we all had a good laugh.  Even without any adjustments, our little tyke seems to meet the normal percentages.  It comes from the Drexler side :)  We’ve gotten so many comments about his feet size and “wow” looks when we tell people his age.  We love it!

He is also beginning to imitate our faces!  Mike and I are having a hoot of a time staring at him, smiling, and watching him smile back.  Although it takes a while for him to understand the game we are playing, it is well worth our time.  First he looks concerned and like he is contemplating how to imitate that face, and then slowly, his smile begins to creep in.  Small at first, and then so large his cutie pie dimples show.  God is just too good!  We are also working on sticking out his tongue and trying to act excited, but that just results in a confused face from Zeke.

I can’t wait to share new stories with you, but I think that might also mean a bit more mayhem for me.  Ah well.  I knew what I was in for from the beginning :)

Christmas Season

We were pleasantly surprised on December 23rd, leaving too late, we didn’t encounter much traffic. The drive went quite smoothly even with little Zeke needing a feed partway through. It’s become quite interesting for me to nurse in awkward places. This time it was in the dark at a gas station a bit off the road. Unfortunately, it was quite chilly and lil man had to get changed in super chilly weather. He wasn’t too happy about that.

Finally we reached the Drexler’s house in Kent and were only too happy to hit the hay. Zeke needed to feed and I was trying just as hard to keep my lids open long enough for him to eat. Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Jason, and Aunt Julie were all truly happy to see him.

I was happy to watch family spread the love on the little guy. Although he doesn’t get to see them too often, he seemed quite mellow while staring into all these “new” people’s eyes. Recently he’s been quite the detail man. Watching with eyes wide open he’ll track objects with distinct colors until his head won’t turn any more. This made Christmas quite entertaining for him as most people he saw wore bright reds and greens.

We were able to stay with the Drexlers for two days and visiting was wonderful. Jason and Julie had come from Ohio to visit for the season and it was only too sweet for us to see them again after a year of phone chats. Wendy was a gracious host and Grandma--as always :) while Wayne was only too happy to take Zeke off our hands. Zeke was only too happy to let the joy be spread around.

Late on the 24th Mike and I headed out to Battleground to visit the Mitchell’s. Around halfway there we received a phone call from Connie wanting to know how close we were. The Mitchell’s have a time-honored tradition of opening a present on New Years Eve. As little girls, Melissa and I always wanted the big one, or the one we thought was from our list. We came to understand that it was the little teaser we could open. Connie was only too eager for us to arrive.

So at 10:00 pm, Mike, Zeke and I strolled in the door, said our hellos, and we went straight to the tree for Christmas Eve’s present goodies. Again, Mike and I were only too happy to lay down our heads. Zeke is still on his own schedule, so he didn’t care when we slept. He’d let us know when he needed something.

Christmas morning came quickly and the Grandparent's seemed like the first to wake. As noises of morning routines began to fill the house, our excitement rose . . . as much as two people with no sleep can. Grand Mitchell’s, the Strong’s--Aaron, Melissa, and niece Zoe, and us settled in for the present opening fiesta.

Many smiles were exchanged and I think my favorite of the day was my father. Connie began our present charade by opening a present she had given to herself. My dad followed by asking her what it was and her response was “honey, you got it for me.” Of course, she had bought it for herself. Cute, Mom. And then after all the presents had been opened, there was a slight pause in the air. Dad broke the silence by excitedly announced as he read the “tag”, “To Dad . . . From Dad”, and pulled out a golf club with a grin only matched by children. All of us chuckled right along with him.

These are some pictures, the rest are at www.drexlerduo.shutterfly.com

Kicking off the New Year!

Mike and I are jumping in with all “those other people” making weight loss goals for the new year. We have been chatting about needing to act for so long that our tummy tires have rounded out. Mike is going to give Power 90 a try, while I am hooked by Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. I’ve already begun the monotonous routine of turning on the TV, watching the pre-show I’ve watched too many other times, only to wait too long for the whiplash of no breaks and “encouragement” that we need to work this hard. If you ask me, the FBI warning is just a bit too long to think twice about waiting to sweat!

Somehow, I have to make sure that the little guy is actually sleeping before I get ready. Sometimes by the time I believe that he is actually down for a nap, it’s too late and I’ve just gotten into the warm up. I guess the warm up is better than nothing :)

We’re very excited with little Zeke’s progress. We weighed him the other day and he has doubled his birthweight--quite a feat for a preemie. He seems to be eating and sleeping well, even though the good sleep is during the day. He is so long now that he’s grown out of his newborn clothes and entered the 0-3 closet. We don’t think he’ll be there too long as some of the clothing is already looking a bit short . . . one reason Mike and I won’t be investing too much in clothing. It’s not to savvy to buy really cute outfits that look really cute on the hanger, but don’t fit the kid :)

The most exciting part of his development seems to be relational. Although he was smiling from birth, he now seems to be imitating people’s smiles and producing some of his own. His new found ability melts my heart. I am so deeply touched with him and what he means to me that I find myself uncontrollably smiling while also shedding happy tears. When I do this and am looking at Zeke, he smiles with me and then stops. It seems to me like he’s not quite sure how to “do that face”.

All in all, we had a good holiday season and look forward to writing new history into our Drexler family.

Long Lost Friend

So it's been a while.

Last time I posted, my life was a bit different. I find a new normal emerging nearly every day and am discovering why God's influence is so imperative to life.

As I speak, I've got another little guy poking at my tummy with Daddy's joking intensity. Just yesterday he gave me a kick that sent me jolting. I'm glad that God has sent me an active Jr. so I am not as impatient and anxious. Although I am still encountering an anxiety tug-of-war with Jr's health, I find my patience and ability to stay calm is much better than I thought it might be.

As time goes on, my belly is getting larger and larger. Yes, due to Jr's impeccable size, but also because I am seeming to gain weight like a boat takes on water . . . quickly, and always to the wrong areas! I am trying to maintain a healthy weight, but feel as though it is a losing battle.

I also find myself running an uphill battle frequently as all my paths lead to some kind of problem in need of solving. How can I be better is a question I am constantly asking.

With some additional input, I am coming to recognize my personality and its benefits and drawbacks. I am a person who appreciates order. If that order is disturbed, I become hopelessly depressive, however, if it is in place, and all is functioning within its structure, I become spontaneous and adventuresome. I feel as though I am leaning, and have always leaned, toward one end of the spectrum.

I wonder, what kind of order or structure do I need that I've been lacking for years??? Maybe it's God. Hmm, yeah. That sounds kind of . . . logical. Go figure.

Well, with Jr. on the way, I better come to grips with life really quickly. Hmm, how to relax with a living room full of books and junk.

Hello? Anyone there?

Hmmm, so March 5th. So many things have changed since then and its crazy to think that the last time I sat here and did this was months ago.

March 5th:
I was deep in the muck and mire of another UC flare which I have come to know is severe.
I had no energy and the couch and I were really good friends.
My car had just died out on me and we weren't sure what to do with it.
I needed a proceedure and we weren't sure how to pay for it.
. . . and . . . and . . . and

Now life seems like a runaway train. The engine seems to keep the coal shoved in and the caboose is struggling to stay attached as it waves back and forth, tipping from side to side on the tracks as onlookers flee in panic.

About two weeks ago, I went in for a procedure known as a Flexible Sigmoidoscopy. Those of you familiar with a Colonoscopy pretty much know this procedure. A "Flex" as I like to call it--makes conversation a bunch easier--is a Colonoscopy, the doctor just doesn't go as far up your colon. Many people are afraid of this procedure. I love it, although I'm not too happy about why I'm enduring it. First, I have to be poked with a gigantoid needle (okay, maybe I'm a bit shy of metal being shoved into a protected vein) that delivers "saline solution" into my system. Quite frankly I loved it this time because of the prep. I wasn't able to have anything by mouth for the 4 hours prior to the proceedure and was required to finish the "lovely mineral water taste"-ing prep solution 6 hours prior to the proceedure. My proceedure was at noon. The math meant that I was waterless from 8 to 12! For those of you who know how much water I drink, that's EONS!! By the time I wabbled in to the room, I was requesting as many electrolytes as they could shove in me. Lightheadedness directed my path and I was all to excited to get the Flex over with.

While in the procedure room, they gave me "fun drugs" which made me dizzy. Not the kind of dizzy that makes your knees buckle on the bridge and cling to the nearest handrail while heaving over the edge, but the kind of dizzy that is fun. As I lay there, I could see the machine telling me what my blood pressure was, and . . . all the other numbers. When my doctor gave me the fun drugs, the numbers started slow dancing with each other, but my head was still on the pillow.

DON'T READ if you're sqeamish


Here's the cool part (and could be not-so-fun part). I am laying on my left side looking at the screen the doctor looks at and I get to see my colon and intestine! Because I'm a bit dizzy, it looks weird. It seemed like my intestine were discolored, in the brown-ish, off-colored way . . . instead of healthy pink with veins. I didn't see much, but then again, I can't say my eyes were in the best of working conditions either :)

START HERE if you skipped
Then, she slammed me with the news. I was diagnosed with moderate to severe UC, but on my paperwork, it was severe. She then told me she was putting me on a potent drug--one I never thought I'd be on, and walked away.

I'm finding it quite difficult to deal with people who aren't willing to talk with me about what's going on with my body. A change is definitely in store.

Because of the results, my life has been rocked.

This drug effects pregnancy, BIG TIME. That means we can't even try to conceive. It wouldn't be too great an idea now anyway because the Flex drained us financially. The drug seems to be effecting me, but I still can't nail down how. The last couple days I've been in PMS land for no reason. I've felt like its the end of the world, and I also don't have any energy. I'm just licked!

Mike has been in the dumps too and he said such an amazing thing to me the other night, but I have to lead in to it.

Because of my emotional earthquake, I've really been leaning on him for support and leadership. He, however, is also quite drained. I basically unloaded my tears on him and part way through our conversation when I said, "I really need your support right now", he responded, "It's hard to give support when we're both spent." Not the same words, but you get the idea.

How true is this? When I'm spent, and he's spent, there really is no energy between the two of us to give support. So now is when we are so dependent on God. All we can do is cling to each other and hope that the last 4 years of our marriage will not be indicative of the rest of our lives. We can only hope for God's intervention.

Meanwhile, the apartment is still "home" and life still goes on. I am doing a fairly good job keeping up with my goals of reading the Bible (now in 1 Sam, but should be somewhere in Psalms), keeping the house clean, and keeping up with myself.

While writing this, I feel like it might be hard to follow. If that's true, just know that its my meds talking :( Clarity is unfortunately, something I've lacked since the procedure.

The only thing I feel I can hold on to is God's promise to us, and a life much different from that we are living now.


More to come later.

Awake?

Wow, almost 4 and feels like midnight. The last weeks have been spiraling so fast. While our schedule has hit sonic speeds, there are some consistencies that I appreciate!

For the last week, as of today, Mike and I have been KILLING our muscles at insane hours. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, we wake up before God pulls up the sun, and sleepily put on our clothes hoping to remember everything we need. At a bright 5:45 we are geared to start sweating.

This is a HUGE change for both of us. The typical morning consists of the alarm going off, one, two, or MANY MORE times screaming at Mike to get up. Of course, we all know that the consistency of the alarm breaks our desire to snooze. So whether or not we want to, getting up is the only choice. Then, we rush to get everything together to get Mike out the door -which sometimes is quite a feat. After the mass exodus - of one person :)-the whirlwind of adrenaline has peaked and is now plummeting towards the center of the earth at cheetah speeds. My brain is hoping to connect and keep a thought process, but ends up crashing in brilliant colors.

Now, instead of being alarmed (double meaning meant, and enjoyed by me as I like plays on words!), we "wake up" once and get ready to meet the chilly morning. By the time we get there, we are "ready" to go and begin with lunges and other warm-up exercises. We are sweating in no time at all. And man can I tell you that this routine is so good. Of course in the process, my exhaustion is telling me QUIT! Oooooo, the burning of muscles, paired with non-endurance and stench . . . gotta love it :)

I love the residual effects. Just as we thought, our muscles are feeling a bit used, and Mike and I are beginning to laugh at ourselves. Things like his feet don't fit in the TRX handles because he's huge! TRX straps hang from the built-in "Monkey Bars" (just like when we were kids) and basically suspend either your feet or hands above you to add a crazy hard, core strengthening to any exercise. Figure this, push ups with your feet swinging left to right because they're not on solid ground, or reverse abs in the push up position with the same swinging. Hard, but afterward, Mike and I are happy with the lingering burn and tightening of abs. You see, I have a six pack, it's just hidden by insulation.

The hardest part I feel is not the effect of exercising, its the sleep! Yo-yoing between 5:00 mornings and recouping the other days isn't good. I haven't yet been able to wake up on Tuesday or Thursday feeling rested. Maybe one day soon, I'll just go to sleep, and then wake up. Sounds so simple doesn't it . . . but I'm guessing that most of us can relate. There are a few more go-to-sleep, wake-up patterns before the sun rises and I'm actually supposed to get up!

Well, gotta run because I'm off to another session. Soon, I'll be less of me and I can't wait!

Super Sunday Night and Beyond

Wow have I been learning a lot about life!  With everything in my "to keep doing" pile I am becoming overwhelmed, yet confident that somewhere in the future the sun will shine on Mike and I.

These past three days, Mike has been in Las Vegas attending an EIFS class to get certified.  Just hearing what the city is and has become is quite saddening.  He had to deal with quite a bit, but is now home and happy :)  While he was there he expressed how much I mean to him which subsequently melted my heart.  

After dropping him off at the airport on Sunday, I was able to make it to a Sunday night service our church calls "Super Sunday Night".  Lots of things happen at the service, but this Sunday, I think that God had a divine intervention planned for me.  Part way through the night, I just got completely overwhelmed.  Everywhere I looked there were children.  As much as I tried to "be happy" and convince myself that it didn't matter, it did.  I excused myself to fill up my water bottle, and began wading through the aisle amidst the 3,000 people or so situated worshipping in the pews.  As soon as I hit the back of the sanctuary I could feel the burn in my eyes - a familiar sting.  I filled up my Nalgene and tried to gather myself to go back in to sit down.  I got about half way and my emotions took over.  With tears streaming down my face I took a place in a back "corner" (the building looks like half a sphere and only has a type of supporting post in the back).  I tried so many times to be okay, but my heart wasn't allowing my tears to dry and go back.  While in the corner, I had a friend console me and ask if someone could come pray with me.

(Sorry if this is long.  I like writing too . . . just the story of my life!)

A woman, who I didn't know, came beside me and looked me straight in the eye with conviction and deep love.  She and a group of others had been praying for me ever since Arie died.  Her words flew and yet she didn't miss a beat.  So many things she said to me that night still bounce around in my head.  She said that Arie had a purpose and that she lives out that purpose in me.  Arie will never be forgotten and although I have been in a winter season, I will soon be recognizing the blossoms of spring in my life.  

I am beginning to come out of my winter!  Even though the loss of my precious baby girl still brings tears to my eyes and tugs on my heart, she also brings me smiles at times.  She is right now the most influential person in my life.  And if all of this just means all of that, it's enough for me.

Since Sunday night, I have had the opportunity to chat with some friends, talk with Mike and read away.  All of this seems to be making me think all that much more.  Fortunately, God likes thinking people and I have taken the plunge in to that pool right now.  

. . . . . . . . . . 

On a different note, it's weird to be home alone after I've been together with Mike for so long.  It's nice to have the bed all to myself, and at the same time, I'm craving his warmth.  All the chores still beckoned, life still moved on, but in a different pace, with different meaning.  Quite odd.

Mike is now back home and we are going to be starting a new adventure!  We have weighed the cost and measured the benefits.  We have decided to participate in athletic classes.  At first it really will be like personal training because the company we are going through is trying to get bigger and are just starting the classes.  But it he future, it will probably end up a little more populated.  Right now, we will have the opportunity to work out almost one-on-one and reap the benefits of doing it together.  We are both hoping this will help us get healthier, sleep better, cause us to appreciate common ground, and the benefits just don't end!  

Onward ho, to the next adventure we go!

Moving Day

Well, I wish that this was actually the topic for us, and although it's not, it is still exciting! Today we were able to move my parents . . . which means that they have actually sold their house and are making the transition from the house they've lived in for years to another transition home.

This cottage that they are renting for the time being is super cute. As you walk in there is a cozy front room in which you can see the dining room and kitchen as well. The floors are hardwood . . . and I think that they're actually real wood. It's got two bedrooms and one dainty bathroom. When you walk in you get a warmth that is indicative of previous owners who loved the house. My mom is able to look out the kitchen window and gaze on birds and trees instead of the back door of a neighbor's house. She will absolutely love it. My dad doesn't yet have his Man Cave--I'm referring to either his super testoerone-filled mechanic's room, or his den where only men with the secret password can enter so as not to taint the essence of the room. I do, however, think that he will find things to do to keep himself busy.

I was able to hang with my sister for a bit and enjoyed unpacking the kitchen with her. While all the men were grunting and creating the foul aroma we like to call sweat, Melissa and I conversed about where the salt should go. We left all the insane lifting (like my mom's upright piano) to the men who like to use their bicep guns to get-r-done. Melissa and I haven't had the opportunity of speaking in quite a while, but even being around her for a while was a sweet reminder of what an amazing woman she is. I have appreciated her in my life and am looking forward to her maybe moving nearer sometime in the future (okay, if I'm speaking realistically, the WAY FAR OUT THERE future).

We were all fitting in to what seems like the new groove for my parents. After clearing out the trailer, my dad treated us to dinner where Norma and Paul (long-time family friends), Aunt Diane and Uncle John (Mom's sister and husband), Uncle Don, Aunt Patti, and Carrie (Mom's brother,wife, and daughter), and Mike and I chatted for quite a while. The room sparkled with smiles, fun stories, catching up with each other, and the unspoken excitement my mom felt to be within ten minutes of people she cares about. When she wanted to go home, she realized that it was just down the road, instead of hours away. Through the tiredness of moving, I could sense her anticipation. Ooooh, all the fun she is going to have being near family again.


On a different note, Mike and I have been crazy!!! Recently we were looking in to what it might cost to work with a personal trainer (whewie!). Albeit expensive, we were able to attend a "class" and see what they were capable of doing, and wow was it super cool and fun. Because of where the business is, we were the only two there. Meaning, the trainer could really whop us! Mike seemed to outdo me, which was sad because I have been working out forever with a friend, and he hasn't. Mr. Man was able to get his workout in and so was I. We basically cross-trained with a focus on suspension bands . . . These things are awesome (and CRAZY hard might I add). Hanging from a metal loop on a brace drops a flat nylon cord with two handles attached. From this, you can do just about anything--suspended of course. So we proceeded to do bicep curls, push ups, abs, triceps, forearms, and on and on and on! Needless to say, this was on Thursday which means that super soreness re-enters our life on our parent's moving day (Wahoo! . . . ouch)

Lots of things have been happening for us. To name a few, we've been doing all the normal keep up our life things like grocery shopping, and added small group, Mike's Photo classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, I go running with a friend every night of the week we can, meeting with two different sets of couples, moving our parents, looking at starting a Photography business (link to come soon hopefully--we've got the logo and everything . . . I'm anticipating what this might mean for us), trying to find a home, wait, nope, wait, yup, wait nope, wait, what was happening, and of course, the still fresh dealing with Arie emotions.

We'd love to get a house, settle down, and just be downright boring for a while. Anybody hear me? Boring sounds a bit nice right now :)

Hopefully, I'll update this more than once a month! So much happens. I just have to realize and be comfortable with writing a paragraph (I just get too in to writing!)

I sit here, thinking about what to write. I haven't written for so long and right now, crazy enough, its 2:20 a.m. As my eyes wouldn't fall asleep, of course my girly brain wandered and tripped on thoughts of Arie. It's amazing how ginormous thoughts get when we're tired! I've just cried for a while, then tried to go to sleep, then tried to distract myself by doing things on the computer. For some reason, I just can't sleep.

My thoughts have recently wandered to what might it be like now for us if Arie was here. She'd be sitting up stronger now and able to look at us with acknowledgement. She'd be able to smile at us with her cute little lips and snuggle in for sleep time. The crib would have had to be lowered because she could probably roll herself out of it at the height we currently have it. I would be hoping to share her with all the mommies in playgroup and all my friends. Her little cry would most likely become somewhat tiresome or annoying by now and Mike and I would be playing "it's your turn" at all times. She would have had a few check ups that said she was crazy tall for her age--no wonder, she's got a few tall genes in her swimming pool.

Grandma and Grandpa would be dying each week to know how she was and what she was up to. Her name would be cherished and pronounced right by now, cause it's a bit of a hard one until you get it down. I'm sure they would call to coax us over so they could play with the little tyke and give mommy and daddy a break to actually sleep.

She'd be really loved.

Well, she is really loved. It's just not the way it should be. And although our faith has gotten stronger through this mayhem, I still struggle with so many questions . . . how come God took her? Was it my fault (less on the nutritional/did I miss something side, and more on the life/personal sin side)? I hope she didn't hurt. Is she with my Grandparents?

It's really hard to believe that God loves me as much as He says He does, but I have to keep my mind strong and choose to believe His word and truth, rather than my thoughts. That's quite a battlefield sometimes. And battlefields at 2:30 in the morning become more like wars because of the exhaustion!

. . . On the other hand, being up this late has its advantages. We're pretty assured that we won't get interrupted, no one will be calling, or emailing (well maybe those night owls), and so we can focus! Right now, I've pretty much caught up on checking out a new financial program using Mr. Dave Ramsey's grandma principles called Mvelopes (kinda cool for the techi in you) and done some other work that needed to be done. All in all, I'm hoping that writing accomplishes two things right now. The ability to update my post, and the necessity of droning off to sleep (which is apparently a very bad idea in front of bright screens!).

Hi-ho,Hi-ho, it's off to sleep I go. I'll lay in bed, and wake at dawn, Hi-ho, Hi-ho, Hi-ho, Hi-ho.

Christmas

Wow what a week!  We somewhat matched the circumstances of this winter - watching the cold front come in, excited for the snow, yet worried about the roads.  Our week started off with Mike coming home early from work becuase he didn't have anything to do . . . literally.  As we drove to go get a picture of a tree for a friend, we discussed our options.  We were intermittently interrupted by gusts of wind and the slipping of our tires.  

Then, everything turned in to hyper speed.  Mike called work and found that he could work from "home" and we decided to face the storm (we didn't know how big it would actually be!).  We frantically went home, packed, and left for Kent.  Thankfully we got out quickly enough that the Portland area was not requiring chains!  That didn't match the drive.  It took us quite a while to get to Kent . . . mostly because of chow people were driving related to the conditions.  

Our days were all screwed up because we had figured on being there Thursday, not Wednesday, so our entire week was confusing!  J's bachelor party was Friday, squeezed between waking up, and picking up B, and B the groomsmen.  Saturday came and went in a fury!  We all woke up, and then WHAM - not only did we have to get there an hour earlier than expected, but also we ended up being a bit late for pictures - hooray for the snow!  Poor J & J2 had very few people there because of snow cancellations.  J2 looked beautiful in her dress and the wedding was enchanting in the snow.  When we left, it was pitch white!  

And then, Mike and I did it all again!  We woke up on Saturday to go to a friend's wedding.  Hers was also a bit crazy cause of weather.  Unfortunately for pretty much everyone involved, a pipe broke in the room we were to eat dinner in, so the staff had to move all the tables to a different portion of the restaraunt!  In the end, she too looked wonderful and I'm sure the prince swept her off her feet! 

And then, Christmas came.  The days between wedding and X-mas were nice, but long too.  We actually had X-mas on the Eve because of flights out, J & J being able to be there, and other important facts.  Christmas Eve was anti-climactic this year.  It seems that all of us were a bit penny-pinched.  Although money isn't really the heart of Christmas, it does affect other things.  Presents were disbursed by funny B who acted like Vanna in presentation.  Some of us were smiling, others were not.  

When all was said and done, as much as I try to convince myself that Christmas is fun and I love it, this year didn't strike the chord.  It didn't ring true in my heart as much.  

It's really hard to be anywhere and realize, I should be nursing my baby girl while I'm talking right now.   I should have to go because it's nap time for my sweetheart.   I should have to walk out of the room because she's crying.  But in reality . . . I'm not.  Yes, I will someday if God decides to bless me with a child, but not now.  Christmas this year was not fun.  It had its moments - specially with the snow, but the whole picture wasn't what it should have been.

It wasn't special.

Priorities

Priorities are interesting. There are those we are aware of, and those we don't even know we have; those we act out as habit, and those we must put our minds to.

For the most part, our days are built out of habit. Waking up, doing the dishes, going to work, cleaning the house, and the like. For me, this list is quite short. Brushing my teeth, making the bed, and, right now, looking for jobs. Sometimes, we are engrossed in our habits so much that they harm us without even knowing it. These tiny habits eventually turn in to a lifestyle.

Then, there are the priorities that we conciously want. For most of us - specially with the New Year approaching - these look more like losing the weight, making more money, and generally, achieving something. I definitely fall in to the category of "lose the weight". However, these consious priorities all dwindle down to motivation, whereas habitual priorities don't.

Motivation in so important in that one magical, or daunting moment when we know that we have to make a choice. Will we choose to motivate ourselves to stick to our priority, or not? Will we follow what we know is good for us, or ditch it for some other source of fleeting pleasure? When what we've set our sites on is either easy, or exciting, motivation is easy to come by. But what happens to us when our sites are set on something that takes work to accomplish? What happens when there is a deep heart pang that urgently resists what we know is good? Although we know that we can do anything we want, and we know that all of it isn't that beneficial (I Cor. 6:12 and 10:23), what do our actions suggest? Are we true to "not being mastered" as Paul suggests, or do we faulter?

My generation is so entitled that most of us just give up (if we even tried), and give in to the now (a conversation I had with my friend about finances and saving for things is a good example). Quite frankly, I find it to be quite a battle to resist the "now" and go for the "later". Somewhere in our "growing up DNA", we have been programmed to ditch priorities and just have . . . Have the big toys, go for the exciting trip, ditch the values becuase what's in front of me is just "better".

But see, for me, this entire entry seems messed up! It's hard for me. I have a daughter . . . I have a daughter. A daughter that didn't live very long, but was still and will remain, part of our family. As a mother, how do I make her a priority? Children are always priorities! All of the "other mothers" have it easy. They become accustomed to habitual priorities becuase they have to go shopping with their kids, make the meals, clean up after them . . . just be a mom. But for me, Arie can't be part of my habitual priorities because I can't take care of her. (But can I care for her?) I will never have the blessing of teaching her truths about our world.

So that only leaves concious priorities. But then again, how is she a concious priority? I'm living my life, but she's not here. Yes, we strive for things that "aren't here", like falling in love again, but how do you pursue a lost child? It's really a contained incident that only has emotional ramifications. My tears are real, but she's not here. The weight I have to lose is real, but she almost isn't. I keep convincing myself that I actually do have a daughter and that I was actually pregnant. This is so hard. My heart wants Arie to be a priority, and so does my body . . . still. But she's just not here!

I guess I just live my life, adjusting to my new "normal" without her. How can she be a priority? I don't know . . . I just don't know.

With all of this silent turmoil, I must strive to continue making my husband a priority. He still works, bikes, needs food, and love. He still encounters "those days" at work and has a heartbeat. To make him a priority is of utmost importance to my heart. He means so much to me and if I choose, my actions could be "mastered" by what is easier instead of what is "beneficial".

Everything comes down to choice. Eve ate the apple and that was her choice. Every morning we wake up and have . . . choice. What will you do with yours? Hold it close and don't take it for granted for it quite literally could make the difference between life and death.

'Tis the Season

Christmas has alwasy been my favorite time of year. Joy fills the air and anticipation runs wild. The tree is always the best part! For as long as I can remember, I've gone out into a tree lot, hunted for the perfect green bush, crookedly sawed it down, and gotten all sappy hauling it back to the car. We've pulled out the string and roped the sucker down so it'd survive the ride home and endured the wind along the way. When arriving home, my excitement built as we cut the ropes, rolled it off the top of the car, and drug it into the house. Of course, there has always been quite a needled trail that needs to be vacuumed.

Once inside, the propping and straightening provoked tilt wars and blind adjustments. Who's going to hold the tree, who will adjust it, who's going to get all painted with tree sugar holding the base? It's quite entertaining really. And then, everyone gets to dig in to the decorations box as the lights go up to design this year's tree.

But this year, everything is different. I find myself swallowing hard and sucking in tears. The snow has finally come, something we wait for every year, but instead of sharing it with our whole family, we get to gaze into the whiteness and know that this would have been her first snow.

What would she have loved? How would I have bundled her up? How fun it would have been to see her as a "Christmas Story" puffball unable to even wiggle. Her nose would have been cutely red, and we could have dressed her up all fancy for Christmas Eve service. We would have gotten comments like "Isn't she just so cute?" and "How old is she now?"

Instead, I gaze at our treeless living room, vacant of decor. The bills from labor are just catching us and the joy of the season has quite a different feel. I still love Christmas and the time of year, but life is just . . . different.

Being in this position is very unique. Watching pregnant women walk around and wondering what normal should be like right now is quite soul-squeezing. Everyone else can live in happy, normal land, and we get to push through trusting in God's timing and childlessness. Christmas would have been so different and fun this year! Arie would have grown to love our traditions and eventually busted out of the puff-ball jumper in to, most likely, sledding, snowboarding, and fox-and-hound hunts through the snow.

Instead, we have so much going on, including two weddings--Mike's brother's, and a very good friend's, the mass chaos of a whole family Christmas, and two separate drives up to home and back. It's going to be crazy. Our pain and loss all must be put aside for the joy of our family and friends. We are so excited for both of them and seeing family.

It's so foreign to live in two different worlds. The depth of painful loss versus the excitement of new life. Wow what an oxymoron!

So 'tis the season for hectiness and joy. Someday soon, I'll be able to approach holidays with many less tears, and much more hope.

Thank goodness we have a God who has the volume to hold the beaches in his hand, and the tenderness to hold our tears.

Happiness

Hapiness is an interesting thing. It can make us joyful, nervous, or even sick to our stomach! We can look forward to things to come in a patient way, or be so excited our tummies turn to jumping jello--something Mr. Pepto couldn't even calm.

Right now, I'm balancing the teeter totter between the two. My life is really a jumbled mess of emotions. We just had the most incredible loss, arguably, that anyone can have and are completely empty. There is nothing to replace losing a child before you die, and although I've heard that before and nodded, it hits such a deeper level now. Nothing can replace her or bring her back. And on the other hand, we still have to live our lives . . . which is why I'm in a confusing happy place.

I'm excited at the prospect of trying again. Although I haven't lost the weight, my emotional programming still wants to be a mommy. We've lost part of our family for now, but we are able to look to God for knowing her later. I'm excited about the possibility of a house. SOOO many things must click in order for this to happen, but it's a possibility. I look around and think about what I'd need to pack ASAP, how we'd get moved in, and how I'd set up everything. This is the part that is making me happy sick. I'm also thrilled about our growth. Being in a place of complete emptiness allows the Lover of our souls to drench us with love and comfort. Mike and I have been through, well, too much in the last 3 years. God has been weaving in new thoughts, habits, and friends. For the most part, Mike and I are becoming more concrete and are enjoying what God has been teaching us.

So, ya see, there are quite heavy weights on both sides of the fence putting us in a place of confusion. The pull between gut-wrenching pain and gleeful excitement is an odd place to be, but soon, things will calm down. I'm looking forward to that day :)

Arie's Video

Finally, I have completed Arie's video! It has been very hard to finish and the computer didn't help at all. First the videos had to be cropped, then the pictures were too large. But, when I moved and cropped, the sound would get all chunked up :( In the end, she looks beautiful with friends and family.

I must say a huge thank you to lots of people . . . Emma, our photographer and friend, was gracious enough to take Arie's pictures, edit them, and get them back to us. She has been wonderful throughout this entire process and she actually introduced me to her husband as Arie's mother. It was heart-melting to just hear those words. I don't get to be a mommy to often, so moments like these touch my heart so deeply.

I also have to thank all of you, my friends and family, who have been so supportive of us. When at the hospital, we were never alone unless we asked. You were on the floor, hard chairs, hard benches (otherwise known to the hospital as "beds"), and surrounding my bed. Phone calls I didn't want to make were taken care of, and I could feel all of your love. I got lots of hugs and sympathy. Your flowers, cards, and sentiments all helped cushion the blow. Without you, Mike and I would be in a completely different place.

Although nothing can take away the pain of losing our baby girl, God has shown us so much. Whether or not you know it, you have all been part of our growth and memories.

On a different note, there are a couple pictures and moments that touched me during our stay at the hospital.

The most defining for me was when my dad hugged me . . . long, and more than once. In the past, he has been at a distance and I don't blame him. He lived in a house with three crazy chicks for 20+ years! That's gotta drive a man nuts :) But in this moment, he met me on a deep, deep level and reached out to me. I love him for that.

That weekend was a ball of mess. In the video a woman named Susan shows up a few times. We had met at church, , I think, all of once to talk about baby rooms and the excitement. I really didn't know her at the time, but she has such a caring heart that she showed up in my hour of need. Her compassion and love was intense and real. She has since become a good friend and we've shared tears and laughter.

Really, there are gazillions of stories to tell, but not enough time to get them all out. So much happened that weekend--some of which I don't even know yet. Just believe that ALL of you have made a difference . . . yup, believe it or not, even you nurses!

I love all of you for everything you have helped Mike and I with and hope that the future will bring siblings for our baby girl.

Cheers For Friends

So I'm sittin here waiting to go get Mike. He's coming in at almost 11 and I was up until 2:00 last night. While in limbo, I've gotten a wind of get-er-done and am just now getting in to cleaning the place so when he gets home, it'll be clean. I really enjoy having our house clean--specially because Mike loves it too. In my resting moments, I can sift through my day.

I was able to visit and care for one of my friends today. She has basically changed my life. In short, she's been what a friend really means--honest, loving, blunt at times, yet eye-opening. I've really enjoyed getting to know her! Today, while driving around doing errands, we were able to talk and we spoke about everything . . . from a simple--how are the kids doing, to deep--tendencies I have with friends.

Some of her insights have brought a bit of understanding to my life. I find it very interesting how we are so innundated with our own struggles, problems, and pains, that life is difficult to weave through. We can look through our own black and white glasses, but God has the advantage of color. We have built-in blinders that keep us from seeing the whole picture, which leads us to God and others. There is such a huge reason God made us that way! We need other people in our life. People we can laugh with, and people we can share with. People to hold our tears, and people to smack us upside the head when our newest idea leaves out HUGE details.

Cheers for friends!

Just Another Tuesday

As I sat in our small group, I realized that today was over and Mike was in Long Beach. My stomach groweled. I spaced out, and although people talked, I glazed into Arie-land.

It's hard to undrstand and wrap my mind around her being gone. I do believe that she was here for a short time, but in another way, I feel that she wasn't here at all. I felt her kick, but I never swaddled her. I could see her legs and arms move, but never outside of me. It all seems so . . . weird. As though the last year didn't happen. Kind of like it was a real dream.

For the time she was alive, I dreampt of holding her, tickling her little toes, kissing her nose, and loving her all her life. I didn't realize, or even imagine, that I would be taking her home in a 5 inch marble urn. My thoughts of saving her first moments in pictures, and documenting her life on film are gone. I never got to share our excitement with our parents. We have video, but I was never able to share it with them.

My heart aches. It is now almost 3 months after that fateful day, and I still crumble. There are days I wake up and my cheeks are saturated with tears. No trigger. No warning. Just tears.

There is something so deep within me that yearns to hold her again. The moments I did, I was in such a different place. It scares me to grasp that I don't remember what it was like to hold her. One of my good friends blessed me with a Build-A-Bear that she filled with flaxseed to Arie's meager 5 lb. weight. The closest I get to holding my coveted daughter is snuggling up to a stuffed animal. Right now, all the love that should be pouring in to grimmacing through diapers, trying to get enough sleep, and planning how to visit friends around nap time, all vanishes into thin air. There is nowhere for my love to rest.

As the world moves on, my world circles. Everyone gets to continue their life, with their normal. I silently scream inside knowing that Arie will never again be here. I don't get to have "normal". However, I do hope for the day I get to see her again, smiling in the arms of her Daddy and running toward me. I hope for the day my tears are of joy and I hear "mommy" from her mouth.


I miss her. I miss my baby girl.